Saturday, September 9, 2017

The best

The best is this,

A storm in the afternoon
The loud sound of water pat pat outside
A window slightly opened
Letting the smell and cold in

Nothing to do, so we sleep
Or you do, and I lay awake
In your arms, 
my mind is humming

One ear
Listening to your tired breathing
Another ear
With my earphone
Plugged to zayns dusk till dawn
Like a background it plays

All I see are slates of light
Against our purple wall
The curtain moving
The shadows covering

I feel warm
It might be your skin
Or is it my heart
Full and free

Laying here
Praying, thanking

I found the best

You and i
The bed and the rain
The storm and music
My heart and skin

The best is this

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Bright light

This beautiful bright light of mine
I cannot keep.

This beautiful bright thing on my hand
I cannot have.

And you, keeper of lights.
Will continue to pass on
This light I borrowed
I had.
To the next soul
In his or her dark corner.

This bright light of mine
Is yours to give.
Next.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Times

Of course there are times I am angry.
Sometimes
But they were never times
You could have changed
And done anything, really.

Most of them is when I hear silence
In the middle of the night
And your nowhere in sight

Or when I go to the kitchen
And dont have the heart to lift up my spoon
Since your not there to talk to me.

But most days, most time,
You have made me, so incredibly, happy.

And so I can choose to get worked up on my sometimes
I choose to cherish my most times.

Most times I am with you
And that makes me happy.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Some women

On the topic of guilt and shame.

Some women, they feel so useless.
They think the only way for them to reach
The ultimate sacrifice
The ultimate purpose of their pathetic lives.
To feel like "they"ve given their all.

Is if they gave birth.
And all will go away.
Clean slate. 
Now you brought a miracle.
Now all retribution is paid. 
All.
The guilt for asking too much
Wanting too many.
The dissapointment
In not being strong enough
Smart enough. Good enough.
The limits we have. 
Not funny. Not rocking your world.

The ugly in the mirror
Overshadowed by the pretty little bundle in their arms.

And I am selfish. 
But I wont be that selfish. 
Thats where I draw the line. 

I said some women.
Some.
And i am not one of them.

G and s

You dont know what its like
To be a constant dissapointment. 

Especially when everyone tells you
Insist to you
Lie to you

You are some gift

I hear it all the time in my head.

Everything you do
Is just to mask all this guilt

Guilt and shame.
The g and s.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Late night

When you said your biggest worry was for me. It made me feel deeply conflicted inside. I told myself I would be selfish. And be firm. And put my foot down. I will not be pushed around I said. 

Then late night came
And all i did
Was 
fall
In
Love.

And fly again.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Your eyes

Your eyes
Are red and weary
And they
Scare me more
Than i thought they would

Because they are proof
Every night
Of all that
you give me

And clear
Of what
 i cant
Give
You

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

All the time

Why are we so close
But so distant today.

I
Want
To
Make
Things
Right.

But i mess up. All the time.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I tried. But i am not ordinary




Friday, April 28, 2017

The same story

I tried very hard to be rasional about it.
I know he cant save me.
I know this isnt a movie.
I know I have it better.

I just thought it would get easier, you know?
Easier to quiten the screams in my head.
Easier to just let go.
And breath a little.

But I cant.
I CANT.
I cant escape you.

And its in every moment I try to be better
I just feel fat, ugly, and stupid.

It comes crashing in me.
I hate myself. To infinity.

Everytime I try to do good.
I just feel worst. Like a hypocrite. A liar.
I dont deserve to feel good.

And everytime I try
You remind me, why should I?

Not only will I fail. If I win.
I am left in pieces anyway.
Its a mad cycle.

And I just want to pull out.
And breath.

But its the same story.
Over and over again.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Story of

Here is to the story of
Star boy
And
Dream girl.

Both in their own world,
Both wih their pride and prejudice.

And then the star comes down
The Dream flys high
And by some miracle of fate,
They meet, they collide

Star boy said,
I can make your dreams come true.
Dream girl said,
I can give you the sky to shine through.

Star boy
Meets
Dream girl
And all that happens
Is rain.

Star boy
Leaves
Dream girl
And all that happens
Is pain.

But not long he says.
And she agrees.

Star boy and dream girl
Will meet again.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Member of the heart

Becoming the member of anxiety
Only because
I live in a world where

I miss you
Doesnt mean you'll come back

I love you
Doesnt mean you'll stay

And words are only said
So we can get what we want

And the truth doesnt matter
Unless you need something.

Member of anxiety.
Member of the heart.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Ambiguity

So many, love my stories of ambiguity

Not knowing who
For what
Or when

It seems to resonate more with you
That i talk about my faceless demon

Seems like we have a connection
Everytime I share
My stories of hearts broken

Mystery, and questions
Fascinate me, yes.

But when you openly
Pursue me
It drives me even more.

Stop guessing and hinting
And talk to me.

The least I deserve,
Is the sound of your voice.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Go to Heaven

Some days I wish you would just die and go to heaven.

So I can tell people you left me
Because you had to.
Not because you wanted to.

But you wanted to
Go to heaven.
And I was hell.

Hence

I cant lose anymore.

I had things, I wanted. When you told me I had potential. You had me and my dreams, streamed across long black nights. I was young, but I was raw.  And you made me draw. You told me I had talent. I would be great. You made my world... where I was great. I had it in me- to soar. Because you were telling me, singing to me, i would be flying. Writing was our thing. I kept it that way. And words... I felt, were close, honest and real. 

But bullsh*t. 
As you nicely put it. 

My time. Spent waiting. Was a waste of space. I had misheard you. Cleverly "misunderstood". That I was somehow too great. For the likes of you. Haha. But look who cant wait to take a hike and run?. Oh yeah right.. that will always be your trump card, your game, your excuse : why I will lose. Why I cant win.

I cant lose anymore.
I already lost,

I lost in your eyes
Your words
And our dreams.

I lost my heart
I lost things that made me, 
me.

I cant lose anymore.
And it doesnt matter. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Woke af

I feel like its a hard 
but necessary thing to say.

My heaven
is not with you,
Human.
But, 
I want to go to heaven
With you.

Can?

Sunday, February 26, 2017

I hope

I hope you hold me
Like I am new

I hope you see me
Sharing the same view

I hope you keep telling me
All those things 
You will never miss

I hope you share with me
Many more
Countless bliss

I hope you think of this
As once and only

I hope you love me such
As if you will lose me.




Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Talk to me

Its hard to talk to someone

You fear of losing
And want to keep

Like it was easier when
I knew you would leave

And now its different
Because you should

I feel like its easier to talk to the wall
The phone
Trevor
The demon

And it gets harder and harder
For me to tell you

I am a mess
I cant do this

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Bleed

I feel like
We tell each other
Things we dont mean than 
Those we do.

I feel like
We have to fight each other 
More than
Fight for one another

And I feel like
We know the problem
But dont know how 
To back pedal
And start over
And connect again

This love
We promise
Is merely held
By a string

If we cut
We lose each other
If we hold
We bleed trying

We bleed trying.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Repeat

Repeat this until you remember.

I will not beg.
I will not ask.
I will not reach out.
And fly anymore.

I will not beg.
I will not ask.
I will not reach out.
And fly anymore.

Hang me now
While I am still compliant
The worst yet to come.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

I dont know how to ask for things
Without looking stupid. 

Its like I know all the things I need
But I dont know how to get them
And so I end up making a mistake
And losing them. 

I dont even know why I should ask
When I feel it should have been mine. 
But its not.
And this is how it is.
And so I ask. 

Stuck in this perpetual cycle again.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Significant

If your wondering why I dont write
Or paint
Or draw anymore

Its probably because I dont feel like it has any purpose, or importance to anyone anymore.

I used to do it to find myself
Sometimes I do it to reach to you
To record memories
To make something....anything.

Then I found I had no impact
Except misery and hardship
I am pretty good at being gloom.

And okay, i know,
I live the comfort life.
Of privilage and opportunity.

So things are given.
It doesnt matter why.
I know I have to be grateful, and I am.
But sometimes its hard to be grateful
When you are consistently reminded
Of your menial existance.

I think I have been grappling
With my self worth for a while.

Who am I to you?
Does what I say matter?
Are you listening?


And its th main reason
I ask and whine and beg
For others to make me feel
Like i mean something, to someone.

Because deep down
A truth I have kept for a long time.
I dont matter.
I make no change.
I can be forgotten. Replaced.

I am insignificant.
And it hurts when you tell me so.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Always mine

You did nothing wrong. 
I blame myself
For thinking you 
Resembled
Looked
Were
Everything i needed. 

Or wanted. 

It was me. 
Always my fault. 

Adapted from riderek

Monday, January 16, 2017

Hero to hero

Maybe not all stories are to have a hero

Maybe its just enemy
To enemy

Both heroes in their own world.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Missed your flight

I am missing your flight
On purpose

I missed your flight
It does not turn back

I will miss your flight
It still is okay

You and me
No matter what you see
No matter what I hear

I miss your flight
And catch the next one

One day.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Either way

Its lonely either way. 

Even when you are here
My dreams dont come true.

Whats more when your gone
I cant make it right. 

All peach pink and yellow
All sound glory and chelo

Its either you make your move
Then I lose my dream
Or I make a move.
And I live a nightmare. 

Thursday, January 5, 2017

The corner

Some have advised me to try a different approach.

Thing is, nothing works much like this trick I have. 

I have a corner. 
A place where I go, 
And I think about all these possibilities
Probabilities
Anomolies.
Where you turn and change
And just hurt me.

This corner is wedged between my bed and my bedroom wall. 
So I can stand
And face it. Two hands resting on each side.
The cold was the night blanket.
And the bare structure gave me ground.
The lights were placed
To shadow this corner.
Just like the your words
Have shadowed mine.
And the walls so thin. So freakishly plain.
I can hear things.
Spinning. Repeating. All in my head.

Then I leave my corner
And brace myself.
To god knows what
Some self destructrive honorary plan? 

It usually takes a while.
But it happens anyway. 
You say one thing
And then you do another. 

Its like you cant have one.
And we cant have each other. 
You need your life.
As I need all those dark lonely nights
Cupping my own mouth
And closing my wet eyes.

All in the corner.
The corner and I. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Third class novels

I started my year by reading all these sappy whimsical trendy novels. With mushy half eaten phrases, badly cut and paste plots and always that excessive use of dramatic flair.

They felt like
Our story.
Me and you.
Unbearable to read.

But lo and behold,
Bestsellers anyway.

Not excited

2017 isnt as exciting as it comes out to be. 

I am accused of being a negative ranter.
But at the very least, I am a realist.

I know
I had you last year
Struggle to keep you today
And wih every passing day
Is just me getting closer to "losing" you.

Its inevitable. 

We meet. Experience. Enjoy.
To leave each other anyway. 
By choice or by fate. 
Always part ways. In the end.

So, as I said. I am not excited. 
Not really.