tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50874932557693048352023-11-15T22:57:52.727-08:00aswadskyart, metaphors, and soul muse.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-58377480867673031932017-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:002017-12-31T08:50:24.797-08:00Seventeen eighteenI didn't do anything this year. I was not significant. I just breathed. Defecated. Contributed to some views and likes. I was a real no one. I could be gone. And it wouldnt matter. Maybe you would be sad. Maybe some would say they miss me. But not long. Really. Its okay. Life moves on they say.<br />
<br />
I have had the best moments in my life so far.<br />
But they seem irrelevant in the grand scheme if things. So i dont see the point of looking forward to another year. If i had all the good deeds needed and had a ticket to heaven, i would make the phone call to death myself. I am not really interested in watching the world crash and burn.<br />
<br />
O God guide me.<br />
<br />
Remember when i was young and wanted everything in the world. It seems so weird that she isnt here anymore.<br />
<br />
Its a new book. This is a different writer.<br />
<br />Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-17905027373192733122017-12-27T08:33:00.003-08:002017-12-27T08:33:59.145-08:00Its a happy dayYou are<br />
The many<br />
Star compilations<br />
Painting<br />
My dark night.<br />
<br />
Happy day<br />
star boy.<br />
By<br />
Dream girl.<br />
<br />
Ps. You managed to listen to my one page speech without sleeping. Thats impressive!<br />
May God bless you. Always.<br />
<br />
<br />Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-49132193820303036312017-11-08T05:15:00.004-08:002017-11-08T05:15:53.876-08:00Good newsMaybe I just wanted<br />
For once<br />
To say something<br />
And make you proud.<br />
<br />
I wanted to bring back<br />
Some good news too<br />
<br />Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-72433354932139710362017-11-05T21:44:00.001-08:002017-11-05T21:48:14.778-08:00Start on mondayArent you tired<br />
<div>
Being a let down</div>
<div>
A dissapointment<br />
To. <i>Me</i>.</div>
<div>
To everyone around you</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You always say you're sorry</div>
<div>
But you never change</div>
<div>
You just dont change or move<br />
And let them voices talk down to you<br />
Win over you</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If things are feeling heavy </div>
<div>
You have to start </div>
<div>
Making decisions</div>
<div>
Taking responsibility</div>
<div>
Instead of staring</div>
<div>
Hoping</div>
<div>
Praying</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It changes nothing! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Its not enough<br />
what you do now</div>
<div>
And yes</div>
<div>
I do think of </div>
<div>
Pushing you over </div>
<div>
Get this over with<br />
I am so angry</div>
<div>
Do something!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And its a monday</div>
<div>
An important monday</div>
<div>
And you mess up<br />
You keep messing up</div>
<div>
Today of all days</div>
<div>
Just. Be different. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
*morning conversation to the person in the mirror</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-6986438776885201852017-09-09T01:49:00.000-07:002017-09-09T01:54:18.988-07:00The bestThe best is this,<br />
<div>
<br />
<div>
A storm in the afternoon</div>
<div>
The loud sound of water <i>pat pat </i>outside</div>
<div>
A window slightly opened</div>
<div>
Letting the smell and cold in</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Nothing to do, so we sleep</div>
<div>
Or you do, and I lay awake</div>
<div>
In your arms, </div>
<div>
my mind is humming</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One ear</div>
<div>
Listening to your tired breathing</div>
<div>
Another ear</div>
<div>
With my earphone</div>
<div>
Plugged to zayns dusk till dawn</div>
<div>
Like a background it plays</div>
<div>
<br />
All I see are slates of light<br />
Against our purple wall<br />
The curtain moving<br />
The shadows covering<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel warm</div>
<div>
It might be your skin</div>
<div>
Or is it my heart</div>
<div>
Full and free</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Laying here</div>
<div>
Praying, thanking</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I found the best</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You and i</div>
<div>
The bed and the rain</div>
<div>
The storm and music</div>
<div>
My heart and skin</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The best is this</div>
</div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-52686425510757681362017-09-07T08:00:00.005-07:002017-09-07T08:00:51.727-07:00Bright lightThis beautiful bright light of mine<br />
I cannot keep.<br />
<br />
This beautiful bright thing on my hand<br />
I cannot have.<br />
<br />
And you, keeper of lights.<br />
Will continue to pass on<br />
This light I borrowed<br />
I had.<br />
To the next soul<br />
In his or her dark corner.<br />
<br />
This bright light of mine<br />
Is yours to give.<br />
Next.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-82966678328641240252017-08-18T08:45:00.003-07:002017-08-18T08:45:23.163-07:00TimesOf course there are times I am angry.<br />
Sometimes<br />
But they were never times<br />
You could have changed<br />
And done anything, really.<br />
<br />
Most of them is when I hear silence<br />
In the middle of the night<br />
And your nowhere in sight<br />
<br />
Or when I go to the kitchen<br />
And dont have the heart to lift up my spoon<br />
Since your not there to talk to me.<br />
<br />
But most days, most time,<br />
You have made me, so incredibly, happy.<br />
<br />
And so I can choose to get worked up on my sometimes<br />
I choose to cherish my most times.<br />
<br />
Most times I am with you<br />
And that makes me happy.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-41326248956463361622017-07-31T13:15:00.003-07:002017-07-31T13:15:59.321-07:00Some womenOn the topic of guilt and shame.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Some women, they feel so useless.</div>
<div>
They think the only way for them to reach</div>
<div>
The ultimate sacrifice</div>
<div>
The ultimate purpose of their pathetic lives.</div>
<div>
To feel like "they"ve given their all.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Is if they gave birth.</div>
<div>
And all will go away.</div>
<div>
Clean slate. </div>
<div>
Now you brought a miracle.</div>
<div>
Now all retribution is paid. </div>
<div>
All.</div>
<div>
The guilt for asking too much</div>
<div>
Wanting too many.</div>
<div>
The dissapointment</div>
<div>
In not being strong enough</div>
<div>
Smart enough. Good enough.</div>
<div>
The limits we have. </div>
<div>
Not funny. Not rocking your world.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The ugly in the mirror</div>
<div>
Overshadowed by the pretty little bundle in their arms.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And I am selfish. </div>
<div>
But I wont be that selfish. </div>
<div>
Thats where I draw the line. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I said some women.</div>
<div>
Some.</div>
<div>
And i am not one of them.</div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-31577269645732091422017-07-31T13:06:00.001-07:002017-07-31T13:06:09.351-07:00G and sYou dont know what its like<div>
To be a constant dissapointment. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Especially when everyone tells you</div>
<div>
Insist to you</div>
<div>
Lie to you</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You are some gift</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hear it all the time in my head.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Everything you do</div>
<div>
Is just to mask all this guilt</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Guilt and shame.</div>
<div>
The g and s.</div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-9198880581554631532017-07-20T00:33:00.000-07:002017-07-20T00:33:38.541-07:00Late nightWhen you said your biggest worry was for me. It made me feel deeply conflicted inside. I told myself I would be selfish. And be firm. And put my foot down. I will not be pushed around I said. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Then late night came</div>
<div>
And all i did</div>
<div>
Was </div>
<div>
fall</div>
<div>
In</div>
<div>
Love.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And fly again.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-75611344364356117972017-07-16T00:27:00.000-07:002017-07-16T00:27:17.996-07:00Your eyesYour eyes<div>
Are red and weary</div>
<div>
And they</div>
<div>
Scare me more</div>
<div>
Than i thought they would</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Because they are proof</div>
<div>
Every night</div>
<div>
Of all that</div>
<div>
you give me</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And clear</div>
<div>
Of what</div>
<div>
i cant</div>
<div>
Give</div>
<div>
You</div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-7503085280437872452017-06-20T09:21:00.003-07:002017-06-20T09:21:51.030-07:00All the timeWhy are we so close<br />
But so distant today.<br />
<br />
I<br />
Want<br />
To<br />
Make<br />
Things<br />
Right.<br />
<br />
But i mess up. All the time.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-60906188744182935892017-05-24T08:09:00.002-07:002017-05-24T08:09:29.492-07:00I tried. But i am not ordinary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq06gmTJCGpcIhw9MSKPdmNI3toet5RAzYmvts2G5A8aOibJUf-LQxavgQAryo7VKZiS5D0jbZbU-NFFp4aikQanIbBZy3-j3-yoftLk91nU_yLl-n8vXiBTyTJYBUD1PAfUlmTnxPcg4/s1600/20170524_230125.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1445" data-original-width="872" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq06gmTJCGpcIhw9MSKPdmNI3toet5RAzYmvts2G5A8aOibJUf-LQxavgQAryo7VKZiS5D0jbZbU-NFFp4aikQanIbBZy3-j3-yoftLk91nU_yLl-n8vXiBTyTJYBUD1PAfUlmTnxPcg4/s320/20170524_230125.jpg" width="193" /></a></div>
<br />Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-47403571878734002442017-04-28T05:13:00.001-07:002017-04-28T05:13:36.816-07:00The same storyI tried very hard to be rasional about it.<br />
I know he cant save me.<br />
I know this isnt a movie.<br />
I know I have it better.<br />
<br />
I just thought it would get easier, you know?<br />
Easier to quiten the screams in my head.<br />
Easier to just let go.<br />
And breath a little.<br />
<br />
But I cant.<br />
I CANT.<br />
I cant escape you.<br />
<br />
And its in every moment I try to be better<br />
I just feel fat, ugly, and stupid.<br />
<br />
It comes crashing in me.<br />
I hate myself. To infinity.<br />
<br />
Everytime I try to do good.<br />
I just feel worst. Like a hypocrite. A liar.<br />
I dont deserve to feel good.<br />
<br />
And everytime I try<br />
You remind me, why should I?<br />
<br />
Not only will I fail. If I win.<br />
I am left in pieces anyway.<br />
Its a mad cycle.<br />
<br />
And I just want to pull out.<br />
And breath.<br />
<br />
But its the same story.<br />
Over and over again.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-86459918147417323102017-04-10T02:46:00.002-07:002017-04-10T02:46:51.037-07:00Story ofHere is to the story of<br />
Star boy<br />
And<br />
Dream girl.<br />
<br />
Both in their own world,<br />
Both wih their pride and prejudice.<br />
<br />
And then the star comes down<br />
The Dream flys high<br />
And by some miracle of fate,<br />
They meet, they collide<br />
<br />
Star boy said,<br />
I can make your dreams come true.<br />
Dream girl said,<br />
I can give you the sky to shine through.<br />
<br />
Star boy<br />
Meets<br />
Dream girl<br />
And all that happens<br />
Is rain.<br />
<br />
Star boy<br />
Leaves<br />
Dream girl<br />
And all that happens<br />
Is pain.<br />
<br />
But not long he says.<br />
And she agrees.<br />
<br />
Star boy and dream girl<br />
Will meet again.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-12024681396200228892017-03-27T05:55:00.000-07:002017-03-27T05:55:02.042-07:00Member of the heartBecoming the member of anxiety<br />
Only because<br />
I live in a world where<br />
<br />
I miss you<br />
Doesnt mean you'll come back<br />
<br />
I love you<br />
Doesnt mean you'll stay<br />
<br />
And words are only said<br />
So we can get what we want<br />
<br />
And the truth doesnt matter<br />
Unless you need something.<br />
<br />
Member of anxiety.<br />
Member of the heart.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-37329031654295118662017-03-22T03:59:00.001-07:002017-03-22T03:59:26.336-07:00AmbiguitySo many, love my stories of ambiguity<br />
<br />
Not knowing who<br />
For what<br />
Or when<br />
<br />
It seems to resonate more with you<br />
That i talk about my faceless demon<br />
<br />
Seems like we have a connection<br />
Everytime I share<br />
My stories of hearts broken<br />
<br />
Mystery, and questions<br />
Fascinate me, yes.<br />
<br />
But when you openly<br />
Pursue me<br />
It drives me even more.<br />
<br />
Stop guessing and hinting<br />
And talk to me.<br />
<br />
The least I deserve,<br />
Is the sound of your voice.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-14589065912453269502017-03-14T04:48:00.000-07:002017-03-14T04:48:14.494-07:00Go to HeavenSome days I wish you would just die and go to heaven.<br />
<br />
So I can tell people you left me<br />
Because you had to.<br />
Not because you wanted to.<br />
<br />
But you wanted to<br />
Go to heaven.<br />
And I was hell.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-21403637224163377112017-03-14T04:46:00.000-07:002017-03-14T04:46:11.694-07:00HenceI cant lose anymore.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I had things, I wanted. When you told me I had potential. You had me and my dreams, streamed across long black nights. I was young, but I was raw. And you made me draw. You told me I had talent. I would be great. You made my world... where I was great. I had it in me- to soar. Because you were telling me, singing to me, i would be flying. Writing was our thing. I kept it that way. And words... I felt, were close, honest and real. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But bullsh*t. </div>
<div>
As you nicely put it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My time. Spent waiting. Was a waste of space. I had misheard you. Cleverly "misunderstood". That I was somehow too great. For the likes of you. Haha. But look who cant wait to take a hike and run?. Oh yeah right.. that will always be your trump card, your game, your excuse : why I will lose. Why I cant win.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I cant lose anymore.</div>
<div>
I already lost,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I lost in your eyes</div>
<div>
Your words</div>
<div>
And our dreams.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I lost my heart</div>
<div>
I lost things that made me, </div>
<div>
me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I cant lose anymore.</div>
<div>
And it doesnt matter. </div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-16725904309822066502017-02-28T02:40:00.002-08:002017-02-28T02:40:31.909-08:00Woke afI feel like its a hard <div>
but necessary thing to say.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My heaven</div>
<div>
is not with you,</div>
<div>
Human.</div>
<div>
But, </div>
<div>
I want to go to heaven</div>
<div>
With you.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Can?</div>
</div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-63256639809375363962017-02-26T08:02:00.002-08:002017-02-26T08:02:39.054-08:00I hopeI hope you hold me<div>
Like I am new</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hope you see me</div>
<div>
Sharing the same view</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hope you keep telling me</div>
<div>
All those things </div>
<div>
You will never miss</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hope you share with me</div>
<div>
Many more</div>
<div>
Countless bliss</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hope you think of this</div>
<div>
As once and only</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hope you love me such</div>
<div>
As if you will lose me.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-50125511907474995962017-02-22T14:55:00.000-08:002017-02-22T14:56:12.797-08:00Talk to meIts hard to talk to someone<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You fear of losing</div>
<div>
And want to keep</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Like it was easier when</div>
<div>
I knew you would leave</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And now its different</div>
<div>
Because you should</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel like its easier to talk to the wall</div>
<div>
The phone</div>
<div>
Trevor</div>
<div>
The demon</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And it gets harder and harder</div>
<div>
For me to tell you</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am a mess</div>
<div>
I cant do this</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-49949494696012482532017-02-16T04:12:00.001-08:002017-02-22T14:34:53.581-08:00BleedI feel like<div>
We tell each other</div>
<div>
Things we dont mean than </div>
<div>
Those we do.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel like</div>
<div>
We have to fight each other </div>
<div>
More than</div>
<div>
Fight for one another</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And I feel like</div>
<div>
We know the problem</div>
<div>
But dont know how </div>
<div>
To back pedal</div>
<div>
And start over</div>
<div>
And connect again</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This love</div>
<div>
We promise</div>
<div>
Is merely held</div>
<div>
By a string</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If we cut</div>
<div>
We lose each other</div>
<div>
If we hold</div>
<div>
We bleed trying</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We bleed trying.</div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-390847961030846502017-02-06T05:30:00.002-08:002017-02-06T05:30:47.479-08:00Repeat Repeat this until you remember.<br />
<br />
I will not beg.<br />
I will not ask.<br />
I will not reach out.<br />
And fly anymore.<br />
<br />
I will not beg.<br />
I will not ask.<br />
I will not reach out.<br />
And fly anymore.<br />
<br />
Hang me now<br />
While I am still compliant<br />
The worst yet to come.Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087493255769304835.post-15539991012653470132017-02-01T04:40:00.002-08:002017-02-01T04:40:36.136-08:00I dont know how to ask for things<div>
Without looking stupid. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Its like I know all the things I need</div>
<div>
But I dont know how to get them</div>
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And so I end up making a mistake</div>
<div>
And losing them. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I dont even know why I should ask</div>
<div>
When I feel it should have been mine. </div>
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But its not.</div>
<div>
And this is how it is.</div>
<div>
And so I ask. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Stuck in this perpetual cycle again.</div>
Aswadskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02603759877899831280noreply@blogger.com1