Seventeen eighteen

I didn't do anything this year. I was not significant. I just breathed. Defecated. Contributed to some views and likes. I was a real no one. I could be gone. And it wouldnt matter. Maybe you would be sad. Maybe some would say they miss me.  But not long. Really. Its okay. Life moves on they say.

I have had the best moments in my life so far.
But they seem irrelevant in the grand scheme if things. So i dont see the point of looking forward to another year. If i had all the good deeds needed and had a ticket to heaven, i would make the phone call to death myself. I am not really interested in watching the world crash and burn.

O God guide me.

Remember when i was young and wanted everything in the world. It seems so weird that she isnt here anymore.

Its a new book. This is a different writer.

Its a happy day

You are
The many
Star compilations
Painting
My dark night.

Happy day
star boy.
By
Dream girl.

Ps. You managed to listen to my one page speech without sleeping. Thats impressive!
May God bless you. Always.

Good news

Maybe I just wanted
For once
To say something
And make you proud.

I wanted to bring back
Some good news too

Start on monday

Arent you tired

Being a let down

A dissapointment
To. Me.

To everyone around you

You always say you're sorry

But you never change

You just dont change or move
And let them voices talk down to you
Win over you

If things are feeling heavy 

You have to start 

Making decisions

Taking responsibility

Instead of staring

Hoping

Praying

It changes nothing! 

Its not enough
what you do now

And yes

I do think of 

Pushing you over 

Get this over with
I am so angry

Do something!

And its a monday

An important monday

And you mess up
You keep messing up

Today of all days

Just. Be different. 

*morning conversation to the person in the mirror

The best

The best is this,

A storm in the afternoon

The loud sound of water pat pat outside

A window slightly opened

Letting the smell and cold in

Nothing to do, so we sleep

Or you do, and I lay awake

In your arms, 

my mind is humming

One ear

Listening to your tired breathing

Another ear

With my earphone

Plugged to zayns dusk till dawn

Like a background it plays

All I see are slates of light
Against our purple wall
The curtain moving
The shadows covering

I feel warm

It might be your skin

Or is it my heart

Full and free

Laying here

Praying, thanking

I found the best

You and i

The bed and the rain

The storm and music

My heart and skin

The best is this

Bright light

This beautiful bright light of mine
I cannot keep.

This beautiful bright thing on my hand
I cannot have.

And you, keeper of lights.
Will continue to pass on
This light I borrowed
I had.
To the next soul
In his or her dark corner.

This bright light of mine
Is yours to give.
Next.

Times

Of course there are times I am angry.
Sometimes
But they were never times
You could have changed
And done anything, really.

Most of them is when I hear silence
In the middle of the night
And your nowhere in sight

Or when I go to the kitchen
And dont have the heart to lift up my spoon
Since your not there to talk to me.

But most days, most time,
You have made me, so incredibly, happy.

And so I can choose to get worked up on my sometimes
I choose to cherish my most times.

Most times I am with you
And that makes me happy.

Some women

On the topic of guilt and shame.

Some women, they feel so useless.

They think the only way for them to reach

The ultimate sacrifice

The ultimate purpose of their pathetic lives.

To feel like "they"ve given their all.

Is if they gave birth.

And all will go away.

Clean slate. 

Now you brought a miracle.

Now all retribution is paid. 

All.

The guilt for asking too much

Wanting too many.

The dissapointment

In not being strong enough

Smart enough. Good enough.

The limits we have. 

Not funny. Not rocking your world.

The ugly in the mirror

Overshadowed by the pretty little bundle in their arms.

And I am selfish. 

But I wont be that selfish. 

Thats where I draw the line. 

I said some women.

Some.

And i am not one of them.

G and s

You dont know what its like

To be a constant dissapointment. 

Especially when everyone tells you

Insist to you

Lie to you

You are some gift

I hear it all the time in my head.

Everything you do

Is just to mask all this guilt

Guilt and shame.

The g and s.

Late night

When you said your biggest worry was for me. It made me feel deeply conflicted inside. I told myself I would be selfish. And be firm. And put my foot down. I will not be pushed around I said. 

Then late night came

And all i did

Was 

fall

In

Love.

And fly again.

Your eyes

Your eyes

Are red and weary

And they

Scare me more

Than i thought they would

Because they are proof

Every night

Of all that

you give me

And clear

Of what

 i cant

Give

You

All the time

Why are we so close
But so distant today.

I
Want
To
Make
Things
Right.

But i mess up. All the time.

I tried. But i am not ordinary

The same story

I tried very hard to be rasional about it.
I know he cant save me.
I know this isnt a movie.
I know I have it better.

I just thought it would get easier, you know?
Easier to quiten the screams in my head.
Easier to just let go.
And breath a little.

But I cant.
I CANT.
I cant escape you.

And its in every moment I try to be better
I just feel fat, ugly, and stupid.

It comes crashing in me.
I hate myself. To infinity.

Everytime I try to do good.
I just feel worst. Like a hypocrite. A liar.
I dont deserve to feel good.

And everytime I try
You remind me, why should I?

Not only will I fail. If I win.
I am left in pieces anyway.
Its a mad cycle.

And I just want to pull out.
And breath.

But its the same story.
Over and over again.

Story of

Here is to the story of
Star boy
And
Dream girl.

Both in their own world,
Both wih their pride and prejudice.

And then the star comes down
The Dream flys high
And by some miracle of fate,
They meet, they collide

Star boy said,
I can make your dreams come true.
Dream girl said,
I can give you the sky to shine through.

Star boy
Meets
Dream girl
And all that happens
Is rain.

Star boy
Leaves
Dream girl
And all that happens
Is pain.

But not long he says.
And she agrees.

Star boy and dream girl
Will meet again.

Member of the heart

Becoming the member of anxiety
Only because
I live in a world where

I miss you
Doesnt mean you'll come back

I love you
Doesnt mean you'll stay

And words are only said
So we can get what we want

And the truth doesnt matter
Unless you need something.

Member of anxiety.
Member of the heart.

Ambiguity

So many, love my stories of ambiguity

Not knowing who
For what
Or when

It seems to resonate more with you
That i talk about my faceless demon

Seems like we have a connection
Everytime I share
My stories of hearts broken

Mystery, and questions
Fascinate me, yes.

But when you openly
Pursue me
It drives me even more.

Stop guessing and hinting
And talk to me.

The least I deserve,
Is the sound of your voice.

Go to Heaven

Some days I wish you would just die and go to heaven.

So I can tell people you left me
Because you had to.
Not because you wanted to.

But you wanted to
Go to heaven.
And I was hell.

Hence

I cant lose anymore.

I had things, I wanted. When you told me I had potential. You had me and my dreams, streamed across long black nights. I was young, but I was raw.  And you made me draw. You told me I had talent. I would be great. You made my world... where I was great. I had it in me- to soar. Because you were telling me, singing to me, i would be flying. Writing was our thing. I kept it that way. And words... I felt, were close, honest and real. 

But bullsh*t. 

As you nicely put it. 

My time. Spent waiting. Was a waste of space. I had misheard you. Cleverly "misunderstood". That I was somehow too great. For the likes of you. Haha. But look who cant wait to take a hike and run?. Oh yeah right.. that will always be your trump card, your game, your excuse : why I will lose. Why I cant win.

I cant lose anymore.

I already lost,

I lost in your eyes

Your words

And our dreams.

I lost my heart

I lost things that made me, 

me.

I cant lose anymore.

And it doesnt matter. 

Woke af

I feel like its a hard 

but necessary thing to say.

My heaven

is not with you,

Human.

But, 

I want to go to heaven

With you.

Can?

I hope

I hope you hold me

Like I am new

I hope you see me

Sharing the same view

I hope you keep telling me

All those things 

You will never miss

I hope you share with me

Many more

Countless bliss

I hope you think of this

As once and only

I hope you love me such

As if you will lose me.

Talk to me

Its hard to talk to someone

You fear of losing

And want to keep

Like it was easier when

I knew you would leave

And now its different

Because you should

I feel like its easier to talk to the wall

The phone

Trevor

The demon

And it gets harder and harder

For me to tell you

I am a mess

I cant do this

Bleed

I feel like

We tell each other

Things we dont mean than 

Those we do.

I feel like

We have to fight each other 

More than

Fight for one another

And I feel like

We know the problem

But dont know how 

To back pedal

And start over

And connect again

This love

We promise

Is merely held

By a string

If we cut

We lose each other

If we hold

We bleed trying

We bleed trying.

Repeat

Repeat this until you remember.

I will not beg.
I will not ask.
I will not reach out.
And fly anymore.

I will not beg.
I will not ask.
I will not reach out.
And fly anymore.

Hang me now
While I am still compliant
The worst yet to come.

I dont know how to ask for things

Without looking stupid. 

Its like I know all the things I need

But I dont know how to get them

And so I end up making a mistake

And losing them. 

I dont even know why I should ask

When I feel it should have been mine. 

But its not.

And this is how it is.

And so I ask. 

Stuck in this perpetual cycle again.

Significant

If your wondering why I dont write
Or paint
Or draw anymore

Its probably because I dont feel like it has any purpose, or importance to anyone anymore.

I used to do it to find myself
Sometimes I do it to reach to you
To record memories
To make something....anything.

Then I found I had no impact
Except misery and hardship
I am pretty good at being gloom.

And okay, i know,
I live the comfort life.
Of privilage and opportunity.

So things are given.
It doesnt matter why.
I know I have to be grateful, and I am.
But sometimes its hard to be grateful
When you are consistently reminded
Of your menial existance.

I think I have been grappling
With my self worth for a while.

Who am I to you?
Does what I say matter?
Are you listening?


And its th main reason
I ask and whine and beg
For others to make me feel
Like i mean something, to someone.

Because deep down
A truth I have kept for a long time.
I dont matter.
I make no change.
I can be forgotten. Replaced.

I am insignificant.
And it hurts when you tell me so.

Always mine

You did nothing wrong. 

I blame myself

For thinking you 

Resembled

Looked

Were

Everything i needed. 

Or wanted. 

It was me. 

Always my fault. 

Adapted from riderek

Hero to hero

Maybe not all stories are to have a hero

Maybe its just enemy
To enemy

Both heroes in their own world.

Missed your flight

I am missing your flight
On purpose

I missed your flight
It does not turn back

I will miss your flight
It still is okay

You and me
No matter what you see
No matter what I hear

I miss your flight
And catch the next one

One day.

Either way

Its lonely either way. 

Even when you are here

My dreams dont come true.

Whats more when your gone

I cant make it right. 

All peach pink and yellow

All sound glory and chelo

Its either you make your move

Then I lose my dream

Or I make a move.

And I live a nightmare. 

The corner

Some have advised me to try a different approach.

Thing is, nothing works much like this trick I have. 

I have a corner. 

A place where I go, 

And I think about all these possibilities

Probabilities

Anomolies.

Where you turn and change

And just hurt me.

This corner is wedged between my bed and my bedroom wall. 

So I can stand

And face it. Two hands resting on each side.

The cold was the night blanket.

And the bare structure gave me ground.

The lights were placed

To shadow this corner.
Just like the your words
Have shadowed mine.

And the walls so thin. So freakishly plain.

I can hear things.
Spinning. Repeating. All in my head.

Then I leave my corner

And brace myself.

To god knows what
Some self destructrive honorary plan? 

It usually takes a while.

But it happens anyway. 

You say one thing
And then you do another. 

Its like you cant have one.

And we cant have each other. 

You need your life.

As I need all those dark lonely nights

Cupping my own mouth

And closing my wet eyes.

All in the corner.

The corner and I. 

Third class novels

I started my year by reading all these sappy whimsical trendy novels. With mushy half eaten phrases, badly cut and paste plots and always that excessive use of dramatic flair.

They felt like
Our story.
Me and you.
Unbearable to read.

But lo and behold,
Bestsellers anyway.

Not excited

2017 isnt as exciting as it comes out to be. 

I am accused of being a negative ranter.

But at the very least, I am a realist.

I know

I had you last year

Struggle to keep you today

And wih every passing day

Is just me getting closer to "losing" you.

Its inevitable. 

We meet. Experience. Enjoy.

To leave each other anyway. 

By choice or by fate. 

Always part ways. In the end.

So, as I said. I am not excited. 

Not really.