Nothing Changed

I know it's January now. Time changes. People might say, I have changed. But I am still me. I still stay hours in my room sketching uselessly. While taking such hard slaving few hours finishing an academic book.

I still listen to rap and RnB. Only, sometimes, sometimes I listen to country music. But if I had no choice, I would listen to instrumental. That seems innocent. I still find it somewhat 'boring' to listen to slow Malay songs. I tried. I honestly did. Ask my friends.

I try to add more minutes listening to the Holy book from time and again.

I still like sweet things. Guiltily, sometimes I eat spoons of the susu pekat (condensed milk) by myself in the kitchen, trying to convince myself that it's not the same like taking spoons of sugar. But I drink loads of plain water now. It took great discipline and practice and a lot of whining. Haha.

I still make up stories by myself. I still miss my brothers and sister. I still find it hard to read Arabic. I still want to learn script writing and filmography. I still find cooking boring.

However... I smile a lot by myself these days. I don't feel so guilty as I had before. I've lost my watch (it's somewhere in my room, I am sure of it), and I don't worry so much. I've worked hard on my mental mantra, to lessen my complaints, to reduce the things I dream about, and focus. Focus on the goal at hand. I start walking, running, flying, to it.

I still love abstract art. I still love painting. Out of the blue, I suddenly want to learn how to draw portraits. I used to hate putting long hard hours for a few details, that always look wrong in the end. Oh dear, I do portraits so ugly. Who wants to be my specimen? Pretty eyes, pretty lips. Come be my model?

There was one person who said my statuses on Facebook was getting more 'Islamic' now, and I laugh...so that's where all this perception has come from? Well, well, a famous blogger has said, don't judge a Facebook owner by his or her status. Seriously, don't. You don't see me screaming feminism throughout my walls, do you?

I haven't changed. In this new year, there is nothing new about me really. I am still that bipolar girl who ate the same nasi goreng at INTEC and had fun tinkering with her handycam. Maybe you have to get to know me longer?

Maybe, now, like I always knew I did,
I want the truth more than the lie. 

Happy New Year people!