Melting Snow

Melting snow. There is little to be happy about melting snow. 

Today, as an effort to reduce the size of the lump inside my heart, I have willingly given a free-no charge of service or materials- art class to some kids in my neighboring area. 

Since October, I noticed something was growing inside me. A deep lump, a heavy heart, an unison feeling of uneasiness. Strings weren't cut, they were tighten. It wasn't like I had eaten something wrong. It was like I had eaten something good before, and now it was stuck and rotting inside. More like the winter had made me cold inside out- it was snowing inside. Like ice. Little ice droplets. It felt not just cold, but hard, and unforgiving. The lump hung between my lungs, below my throat, barely able to swallow, able to throw. Able to rid. I can't get rid of the ice, they were hard snow. 

A battle isn't. This is all an inner battle. 

Initially I had wanted to do an English class with young Arabs, and I had arranged with my neighbors and fellow Arab friends to help me out. In the mean time, I was supposed to have some 'art' projects that were to consume my time like crazy. In the middle of preparing and figuring out what exactly the project would look like, I spent like nearly five hours staring into space before realizing- wow, I had no idea what to do. 

I had a case of creative block. Thinking of ways to rid the burden, I thought I'd paint with someone in company, a friend...or something totally new, a child, maybe one? I used to draw a lot with Hanna, and it always cheered me up. 

But word goes around pretty quick in this small town of Irbid, and before I knew it, I was making a class. 

Not to brag, but I know I have the confidence to handle kids. But it's their mom's that make me nervous. And since I wasn't just teaching kidsters, I was teaching mommys, so I had to figure out a way to make it interesting, simple AND artsy. 

All in all, I think I did pretty well. We painted a simple water paint design window- acrylic frame, while waiting for it to dry, we practiced simple origami. I nearly made a fool out of myself by forgetting how to do a proper horse, but we managed to do a camera and a dinosaur. The boys were pretty excited. I've never known Faqeh (one of the kids) was so artistic. But he stands out clearly whenever he does his project. It's always surprising to ask him what color he would choose for his design (blue, brown and yellow- classic!). 

Kids have a very honest view on art. It is truly based on what they think and feel. If you ever think of teaching art, try very hard not to make the child follow what pleases you. Art is supposed to be a form of expression. 

One of the mom's asked me, "How do you know if the color is cantik (pretty) to use?" 

That was a hard question (I wasn't a certified art teacher haha)... "Maybe you shouldn't go for what's pretty, go for the satisfaction...the kepuasan of expressing. Whatever color that suits the mood, is the perfect color for the moment." 

They asked for another class. Trying to hold my cool, I tried to sound relaxed when I said, 'anytime'. But even the Angels could guess how excited that made me feel. This class had given me so many new ideas for my upcoming projects, and deep in me, I felt the ice melt. The lump, it felt lighter. 

Returning home, I felt like I had accomplished something. I could feel it, the snow was melting. Ah-ha. So surrounding myself with kids did help loosen some desert part in my soul. And it was fun too. 

Yet, I could not rejoice. Alone in my room again. Everything was still cold, and as I stepped further inside- muddy...a pool of water now. The cold had not left, it was still winter. And now it was wet too. 

It was wet everywhere. If before the ice had tried to clamp my windpipe, now this over flowing water is drowning me inside out. 

Melting ice. What hurts me, is to find I am so cold inside. All imagination of warmth and heartfelt love and affection were illusions of my belittle sized brain. I have no warmth to offer. I am so cold. So hard. So rock hard. 

I once naively thought I could never understand cruel and evil 'people' in this world. I thought wrong. 

Melting snow only leaves muddy puddles everywhere. At first it snows, then it hardens, now it's left just water and dirt. So dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. 

I am so cruel.