Safe and Sound

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight


Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound


Don't you dare look out your window darling

Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone


Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound


Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound...
*** 

Actually I know I can never really fully empathize the sufferings in Palestine, Sudan, Somalia and many other hunger driven and fearful places in the world. I read about them, I listen to the news about their sufferings, but I will never fully understand. 

If I had to try, I would go back to no other memory except the ones at home. Where early in the morning I wake up early and knock on every passing door. Entering the pink room, holding the tip of your toes under the covers...and cooing at you to wake up. It's sahur time. 

Or the one, where I already turn on the telly, and our parents are already out and about, you wake up, all blurred and sleepy, I pull you in for our morning hug. Good morning, my hero. 

Or maybe the time when you find I have no toys for you, and you run quietly to your bed, sad. But I come to you with a book you'll love in hand. Telling you I will never forget you. Never.

"...sacrifice for the Lord the things you love, verily He knows what is it you love..."

Al-Imran: 92

After remembering these memories, have them willingly taken away from me. Stop. Stop. I cannot think. How low my faith must be. How tragic the families in these war countries must feel. To never have their love ones again. But I am scared to say, I am willing. But He knows what is it that I love. 

I am not a good sister as many might have hoped. Truly, if you knew me, you would never want me to be your family. The horror I bring. Especially the things I would force you to eat. 

I slept at my friend's house in syimali last Thursday night. We talked for hours in the dark. About life, about lost love, and finding new meaning. 

"I realized if my prayers and relationship with God wasn't improving, my life would be out of control." she said. 

For a moment I was silent, and kept the thoughts in my head to myself. The particular verse haunting me.

Guilt envelopes my every movement. Passionless isn't this new feeling of overcoming. Yet it has to be done, to survive. I will push myself. For courage isn't without it's enemy of fear. My future is never absolute.  

I don't even know if I am a good person. A person of faith. Or a person worthy. Or true.

I just know I need more time. 

And I will ensure you safe and sound, I will love again. 

And I will let you go.